Cinderella!!!!!

Merry Christmas!!! Opps too early to have Christmas wishing but Warwick Arts Centre is already feeling to atmosphere of it, with the pantomine performance of Cinderella!!! Can't wait to see the performance!!

Oh ya, I am counting how much I can possibly earn during the Christmas period in Arts Centre hehe..

And also today I learn how S.E.L.F.I.S.H and C.H.I.L.D.I.S.H people can b (again).. Again and again I was pissed off of her because of the same reason and I never learn from the lesson (as usual). This time, telling other people something that's more than what it was actually is.. Grrrrrr.. i.e. stories being fabricating too much.

I am so gonna swear to myself, I will keep my mouth shut and not telling anything, just because if it doesnt turn out, it will be told in another version of story. Oh well... I always can't wait to share any news that I know, but this time I really/seriously/definitely not going to tell anything even though it is a threat to you! You are capable of solving it yourself.

Remind myself constantly, I will.

Sigh.

But I am looking forward to the end of term!! :)

No 11th-hour work plz zzzz

do work do work...
I don't appreciate last minute notice of work that I have to prepare..
I will still do them
BUT I WILL NOT stop complaining about it until I am done with it..

zzz

I will get my work done no matter what, but too bad if u keep sneezing coz I am in a serious bad mood when I am asked to prepare stuffs at the 11th Hour, because I am complaining about it to everyone that I could!!!!!

ok back to work.. zzz

When everyone else is in IGNIS partying... I am in my room.

haha win shi said "so what are u angry of today?"

LOL, it sounded like I just got pissed off yesterday of matter A, and the day before it about matter B, and tomorrow it is gonna be matter C maybe. haha, which is very true!! I am angry every day..

突然间我想很写毛笔字。。 所以我写华语啦。。我说我老了皱纹一定多过人。。

我最近火气真的真的很大。。丢开group projects 之类的碍手碍脚的事情不说，再说的话我的气真的会被烧光。。今天group presentation 临时有个meeting我都不知道，到了meeting又被其他人放飞机。。as expected la... this is not the first time already.. I am immuned to it. The terms responsibility and time management means nothing. The word sorry is appreciated, but it is not necessary, as it will never sink into any of your minds unfortunately. So what's the point of saying sorry, hmm? I don't know.

早上为了另外一个meeting而skip掉了3个小时的课。。 我生气啊!!! I promised my commitment to the project but my commitment does not mean to be done in the expense of my lectures. Not happy!!
我以后都不会再为了这个而skip class, 大不了踢我出team, i dont care! Grrr

现在才想到今天整天真的让我发神经的事还有很多，还没告诉winshi. LOL.

学会的事。。 来了两个new committee.. 其中一个上次得罪我了，我还很记仇wei!! but obviously, the problem does not lie not me.. 他得罪的人还不少。对我来说他人格超级有问题。。连我 society's president 也不要他加入， 但是他的interview 表现好到my society president 没话说。。我没偏心，没搞破坏，He gets my vote to join the team because I see him as an extra pair of hands to us.. And I "wonder" how my post in the society is slowly evolving from Vice President to just Treasurer who is looking after finance thats all... I am losing my VP title.. ha! because we already have two presidents and me as the vice president seems to be just 多余。。

Aiya screw la.. whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

:( Super not happy. But I can't just stand out and say.. "heyyy I am not only the treasurer, I am also the VP kayy.." perasan sial. but it is true mar...

Whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrr la. :(:(:(:(

What else to rant about?? Hmm thanks goodness no more for the day haha.

Hoping for a better day tomorrow!!!

我真的很想很想念小学的时候，有时候我真的觉得小时候太出色并不是一件好事，至少对我来说，我觉得是这样的。。。我后悔为什么放弃给予我跳班的机会。

why?

I just feel a sudden surge of emo when I completed any job application just now.. just beating the deadline of 12am.. My friend at the other end of msn was rushing for it as well, And almost failed to make the deadlines..

Out of a sudden, I just feel very sad. Why are we stressing up so hard all over the application forms and be fighting with almost everyone in the world to get a job in London when we can easily get one decent job if we return home? Why?? Because we all know the life too well back home?

I feel pathetic for my own mentality for giving up on my own country, and would rather stay in people's place and do whatever I can to get a job here.. But I can't help it.. I don't know why, but I am just reluctant to return.

YC asked me last night why don't I start off locally, instead of overseas where I may be looked down because I am not native?? Her words didn't really strike me by then, but it strikes me hard now.

Jo said we are just the equivalent of 2nd class citizens in UK, but we are neither first class citizen in our own country. Jo's theory was interesting: We are 2:1 Second Upper Class citizen in msia and UK, 2:2. We are second class anyway.. Just that perhaps more stuffs can be done easily in Msia if you have the power and the money. Life is easier for you there because corruption exists, yet it is the root to all the obstacles that pull the country off the track of becoming a vibrant developed country.

I told Jayne, I want to excel in my life, but I don't know how. I am just following whatever paths that are in front of me, and hoping to see the light (get a job offer) at the end of it. What if I don't see the light? Will I build a lamp post when I see darkness? No I wont. I will turn back and go on with another paths.

Perhaps I will never see a light at the end of all the paths I tried, then I will start considering building a lamp post myself. But will it be too late then? Yes it is..

I WANT TO EXCEL IN MY LIFE. Jayne told me to bear that in mind whenever I do any decisions. Yes Jayne. Thanks for telling me that.

And hopefully I see a light at the end of the path soon.

Or I will start building a lamp post equipped with all the tools before walking into that path......

Give me one more week

and everything shall end soon. All deadlines are in a week time. After the week, i can shift my focus back to my studies.

I regretted deeply for missing application deadlines for internship last year, and I vowed to start as early as possible for graduate jobs this year. But, situation doesnt change much. I started my application much earlier but I still submit my application when the deadlines are already around the corner, just like now.

Whatever that comes, I will take it as the results of my own lack of initiative. No one to be blamed except for myself. But I really really don't know what are the alternatives lay ahead for me? I have impressive CV but I did not utilise it.

I hope the decision of not pursuing a Masters is not something to be regretted in the future.
This is the point where I am making decisions on what will happen in the rest of my life. If I go back to Msia after graduating, I will never make it back to UK anymore.

I don't want this.

I have never been so lost and confused in my life. Not even when I failed to meet LSE grades last time. Not another decision time. Not another time really.

Give me a smooth journey ahead please.. I really need it.

I dont know what to say

Do not say I am ALWAYS trying to run away from responsibilities when I refuse to keep the thumbdrive. It is neither mine or yours. Why can't you keep it? Since when I run away from doing works? Tell me and I will shut my mouth up.

Do not ever get into my way until I get my stuffs done. I am not in the good mood. I am mad I am crazy I am hot tempered whatever. I don't care. I don't care whether you are joking or not, this is not the first time.

Screw off.

FULLSTOP.

I forgot how I was in 1st year..

And Hilda reminded me about it today.. I never know that the first impression I gave her was a very enthusiastic and appreciative girl who always seem to be excited.. Ya it was exactly two years ago, when the department held a lunch gathering for first year students to meet their tutors. Somehow all the invitation cards just went missing from the pigeon holes. And no one actually turned up to the lunch event. I was walking aimlessly in the department and Hilda the department secretary just asked me whether I would like to have some food?! Well, who would say NO to FREE food, especially for me!? I accepted her offer, and regretted it later because she led me into a room with all the tutors and I am one of the very few students there. Obviously I got so much attention because the lunch event is meant for students (like me) but none really turn up. I even told the tutors there when I was asked why did I choose to go overseas instead of studying in Msia national uni, my reply amazed them, "Because I am not one of the indigenous people, we don't get treated fairly, and education opportunities are not fairly available to everyone who deserves it"

But they don't really get the points because they can never understand how can Malaysians can be non-indigenous to Msia?! Fair enough.

I helped Hilda to clean the place after the event. I did not expect her to remember me after that, but obviously she does, very clearly, especially after I have a very brief talk with her today..

It just somehow suddenly struck me to realise again that how passionate I was, when I first came to Warwick, and the passion just went missing along the way, becoming less and less relevant to me, when my academic results just went so badly in the past two years. I can't really be bothered to study for class tests, because I know that I won't be able to answer them, somehow. I revised so hard for my papers, and my mind totally went blank in the exam halls next day, not once, but twice. I failed the papers.

Imagine the scores of 60 or 70 seem to be harder to achieve than ever; imagine sitting in the lectures with blank mind everytime, the whisper of discouragement is just so strong and affecting me so badly. Anything below 70 or 60% has never existed in my life until I came to Warwick.

I scrapped through my first two years in uni with a very borderline score of second upper class.

Conversation with Hilda today reminded how I was in my first year.

I OUGHT to find it back.